Hmmm.. the thing that buzzes in my brain now is how incompetent that i was. I realised that it is not just having a heart to serve that's important, but it's really whether u can do it or not... I'm not afraid to share it out.. i tell u, why? Because this blog belongs to me.. i can say what i want to say ok!!
Anyway, it's about the -------- ******* lah.. Everything seemed fine, but others looking at the ***** at **** thinks everything is fine. And so i thought. But in reality it was not lah. L and i were fighting fire. And well.. this fire could have prevented if i was better, good enough, more adequately trained.... [add whatever you like] But i know that L was really pissed with me...Seriously, after the briefing, then i realised the main point of things: It is not just about having a willing heart to serve.. I guess i overestimated myself, that resulted in whatever emotional turmoil, war...[whatever it is] i tell u, i'm pissed at myself too after that... Why i teared, because.. hmmm i'll think it's because i thought that "yeah i'm doing something to help out.. serve".. but in reality, i guess i'm more of a hindrance... a burden
Now now now.. before i go on.... I'm stronger than before lah.. no like traumatized until [the extremistic negative thought - *******] .. not there. i have moved beyond that.. ******** is never the solution; it's just a stupid way of solving a temporal problem, eternally. Hmmm... much as i never really mention this, but i do have ******al tendencies, even at a young age... but all this boils down to the insecurities that i've experienced as a kid.
I feel that i'm much stronger, though i was...rather traumatized by the whole incident. I've totally lost confidence to do it, if something of smiliar situation arises, and need me, i'll just support.... i won't do whatever that i don't know lah... i need time to recuperate from this incident.... i don't know how long i will take. i know in less than a month's time, the need will arise for me to break out of this, and hopefully by then, i can dispel the thought of repeating history.... I'm a history maker, not a historian that repeats history, geddit??
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something on a lighter note, today ministry, i did one worship on mains. It was good i supposed... i dunno lah.. i feel a bit disheartened that i'm like blocking everyone's way up there... And i dunno what i was really doing. Guess the aftermath of the trauma is rubbing off. I'll bounce back.... i promise, i won't fall into d********n again, and have ******** thoughts. It's a promise to myself, and whoever reads this, and whoever really knows me for who i am, not on the outside....
To those who thinks they really know me... hmmm i give u time [infinity??] to know me... the REAL ME....
Hmmm... at least my dear FRIEND, PARAKLETOS knows it lah. So i'm contented =)
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Oei!!! G**a***n* ah!! Can don't always gimme attitude can or not??? Can u start studying for ur exams??? Huh huh?? Everytime i come u will hide. Pengz! Repent!!! Haha.
[Note: this is MY BLOG ok... so i address whoever i want!! Anyway, i sure the person reading this, pls ponder, thanks... then why am i seeing u 4 hours a week for??? Hello???]
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